OPINION: PSA to fast walkers

By LilyBelle Cogliano

Before I begin, this article should be taken with a grain of salt for those who might take offense. However, if you find yourself deeply offended, I encourage perhaps a brief moment of self-reflection. I’ve decided to step up as an official spokesperson for the slow-walking community.  

Now I’m aware of the societal contempt for slow walking people, a concept I completely understand and agree with in most cases. You’re in a rush. You have places to be. You can’t afford to be stuck behind this five-foot-two slow walking individual. I, too, have found myself behind the painfully unmotivated. I understand. 

But it gets to a point. And we need to take into consideration the conditions. 

Given the harsh weather we’ve been facing, I’ve found myself - more often than I’d like -basically forced into a light jog on ice because of the fast walkers clipping my heels behind me. Yes, I’m going to walk slowly on the ice. No, I don’t want to break my neck outside the dining hall. If you have an issue with that, go around. It’s not a hostage situation.  

Just the other day a suitemate of mine fell victim to the ice; slipping, sliding, and falling. Boom, she’s concussed. We must all avoid this if possible, and that's getting hard to do with the  fast walkers, walking a-muck. 

Now if we’re on a single file path? That's out of my hands. I cannot widen the sidewalk nor can I melt the snow. I can, however, refuse to be peer-pressured into walking fast in dangerous conditions.  

Recently, my roommate and I experienced what I can only describe as an outcome of the fast-walking apocalypse. Picture this: we’re happily walking to the gym, mid conversation, when suddenly - we’re getting trampled by a stampede of elephants - also known as two fast walkers - closing in behind us. Steps are growing louder. Closer. We had to pause our conversation to focus all our power on walking as fast as possible.  

"With the speed that they were coming at us, you'd think they expected us to dive into the snowbanks, so they didn't have to slow their stride," Silvia Montillo explained, disoriented after the ordeal.  

What made this baffling was not their speed, but their audacity. Their silence. They could have easily walked around us. They could have said "excuse me.” Use maybe any social cue they wanted to pass. Nope. Psychological warfare instead.  

They tailgated us all the way to the sports center. When we arrived, we were emotionally shaken, and all we could do was stop, stare, and gape. They breezed by without a glance of acknowledgement.  

We were flabbergasted. We were gobsmacked. We stood there stunned. 

Never in our three years on this campus have we encountered such a situation, where we have been gaslit into thinking we’re the slowest walkers on earth, when really, we’re just victims of the fast-walking apocalypse. Once again, this isn’t an ani-fast-walking rant. Walk fast.  

Chase your dreams. But if it is in a scenario like the one we just experienced, please do it away from the innocent. We are not morally obligated to hustle. And frankly, I for one will not be sprinting for survival again.